By Keshet
We learn in Proverbs 18:21 that “death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Jewish tradition teaches us that how we use language deeply impacts people’s lives. Referring to a person by their correct pronouns is a small but important way to affirm their identity. On the most basic level, using people’s correct pronouns is about kavod (respect). Just as we ask people’s names so we can refer to them correctly, using people’s pronouns is about honoring them as a person.
Pronouns are words used in the place of nouns, and commonly used in the English language to avoid repeating words or phrases. For example, instead of saying, “Moishe’s challah is amazing because Moishe uses Moishe’s own special recipe,” you could say, “Moishe’s challah is amazing because he uses his own special recipe.” Common pronoun sets are he/him/his, she/her/hers, and they/them/theirs. Some may also use neopronouns like ze/zir/zirs.
Note: Although use of pronouns is a commonplace practice in our society, there are individuals who don’t use pronouns and prefer to go only by their names.
People will often tell you which pronouns to use! It is very common for people to include pronouns in email signatures, business cards, nametags, and more. You can create space for others to share their pronouns by sharing yours first, conveying that you value getting their pronouns right and will respond respectfully. It’s an easy technique to model in meetings or other gatherings. You can say, “My name is Rachel, and I use she/her/hers pronouns.” It only takes a moment and helps all people in the space feel included. And, of course, you can always just ask someone what pronouns they use!
That’s fine! There are all sorts of reasons why a person may not share. People who are exploring their identities may not want to share their pronouns or be safely able to share them. Others might still be assessing how comfortable a space is for them, or be navigating any number of complex situations.
Instead of requiring that people share pronouns, we recommend modeling by sharing your pronouns first, especially if you are in a leadership role, and creating an opt-in space for people to share theirs. In order to ensure that the burden of creating this space does not fall solely to people who already navigate bias or assumptions about their pronouns, it is important for the invitation to be clear and explicit. This also helps create a cultural norm of avoiding assumptions and respecting everyone’s language.
It’s an important balance to hold a space that encourages but does not require pronoun sharing. Introductions in group settings can be structured along the lines of, “Please share your name, pronouns if you would like, and [your role / relevant information for the event / ice-breaker prompt].”
A note on language: Language is human-created and has evolved over time. When we craft language that reflects ourselves in the world, we are drawing on a millennia-old human practice.
One example is the use of “they” as a singular, gender-neutral pronoun. It is an example of linguistic evolution in which an existing term expands its meanings to meet a need of the people who speak the language (similar to how the word “call” expanded to refer to using a telephone).
Another example is the use of neopronouns, pronouns designed specifically to be gender-expansive. This is an example of linguistic evolution in which a community of people meet a need by creating a new word (similar to inventing the verbs “Zoom” or “Skype” to describe actions in our digital world).
Similarly, an individual’s personal word choice for their identities and pronouns may change over time. Just as language evolves and shifts constantly on a larger scale, it ebbs and flows for individuals. You may feel that a word describes you at one point in your life and does not resonate for you at a later point. Or you may hear a new concept that reflects how you see yourself that you hadn’t heard before. Understanding and accepting the fluid nature of language helps to support, affirm, and make space for people to try on different words to express themselves.
Mistakes happen! Transgender, nonbinary, and gender-expansive people do not expect perfection, only that you make an effort as you learn.
When you make a mistake, remember our tradition of teshuvah (repentance) and apologize for the error. A short apology is typically better than a long one because it doesn’t put the other person in a position to console you.
Statements like, “I’m sorry, but this is just so hard for me,” make the conversation about you, as opposed to the person who you misgendered. Instead, you can say something like: “As he said—sorry, I mean, as they said—latkes are superior to hamentashen, and I agree with them.”
Find more advice on correcting mistakes here.
In the past, folks were taught that “they” is plural and only used for groups of people, making it “grammatically incorrect” to use for a single person. However, “they” has been used as a singular pronoun for centuries in the English language, with examples dating as far back as the 14th century and continuing to be used in that way through the present day!
For example, Shakespeare, whose effect on the English language can’t be overstated, used the singular “they” in multiple works, including Comedy of Errors:
“There’s not a man I meet but doth salute me as if I were their well-acquainted friend.” (Comedy of Errors, Act IV Scene 3)
Read the Oxford English Dictionary’s history of the singular “they” here.
The pronouns he/him/his and she/her/hers commonly indicate the gender of the person being spoken about. However, there are times when you might not know this information. For example, if you found a wallet on the ground, you might say, “I should find the owner of this wallet. They must be looking for it.” In this case, you would use the pronoun “they” because the person you’re talking about could be of any gender. This is called the singular “they,” and has been part of the English language for centuries.
Some people use “they” pronouns as an all-gender option instead of “he” or “she.” For example, if Ari uses they/them/theirs pronouns, you might say, “Ari hosted an amazing Shabbat dinner last night! They made all their favorite dishes and even made the chocolate babka themself.” This is one common way that some nonbinary, genderqueer, and gender-expansive people have crafted affirming language for ourselves — and people of any gender might use “they” pronouns in this way.
Read more about all-gender pronouns here.
Note: Pronouns do not always define someone’s gender. For example, someone who uses she/her pronouns may identify as a woman, or she may identify as another gender. The only way to know someone’s gender and pronouns is if they share that information with you!
Many sets of alternative gender-neutral singular pronouns have been developed, such as xe/xir/xirs, ze/zir/zirs and fae/faer/faers. For some people, these pronouns are empowering and authentically express how they relate to their gender. You can see other examples and learn more here.
The newness of some of these words can feel overwhelming, and you’ll probably make mistakes. One thing you can do is practice. Websites like Practice with Pronouns are a good place to start. While it’s understandable to make mistakes as you learn, people also deserve to be gendered correctly, and repeated mistakes can add up. Practice! Your improvement over time will speak for itself.
It depends on the person. Some people use more than one set of pronouns interchangeably, and are equally comfortable with either of the pronouns they use (i.e. someone might introduce themselves with “he/they” pronouns, and be equally comfortable with a speaker choosing one of those and sticking with it, or alternating between the two sets). Others might specifically want to be referred to by a mix of those pronouns (i.e. might want the speaker to make a point to sometimes use one and sometimes the other). Others use a specific pronoun in one context and another set of pronouns in another, depending on safety or comfort. You can generally trust that a person has introduced themselves in the ways they would like to be referred to in that context, and that any set of pronouns a person has told you to use will be acceptable. If you notice a person introducing themselves in one way in one setting and in a different way in another setting, you can ask!
Hebrew is historically a grammatically-gendered language, with nouns, adjectives, verbs, and most parts of speech taking binary gender markers. There are many Hebrew speakers working to create gender-expansive forms of Hebrew for daily and ritual use. We are still in a time of linguistic development, and there is not (yet) a single universally agreed-upon, gender-expansive grammatical form. However, there are several gender-expansive options:
Pronouns are not just words: they are a reflection of how people see themselves and how they want to be seen. When you use the correct pronoun for someone, you honor them by showing them that you see them.
This resource was originally assembled by Dubbs Weinblatt, Essie Shachar-Hill, and Jacob Klein (May 2019), updated January 2023 by Chaim Ezra Harrison and Jay Smith, and once again by Rabbi Micah Buck in 2025.
Keshet envisions a world in which all LGBTQ+ Jews and our families can live with full equality, justice, and dignity. Stay connected by joining our email list and following us on social media.
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