We are at the start of Elul and I’ve sat down to write an essay for the 5786 high holiday season. When I first had this idea I described it as a broad piece on transness, tochecha, and cis allyship. However, as I reflect more on the words I want to share this year I’ve realized what I actually want to write is sharing my own trans tochecha to my beloved Jewish community. My hope is that it lands on open hearts and minds—

Dear community,

5785 was a year of many challenges and also one of many celebrations. I hope you are finding moments of care and joy amidst the multiplicity of happenings in our world. 

This time of year we focus on teshuvah, the necessary practice of reflecting on where we might have misstepped and how we can return to our righteous path in the year ahead. Another practice is tochecha, offering rebuke or loving feedback to those we are in relationship with. Tochecha, originally mentioned in Leviticus 19:17, has multiple benefits. For the one offering, it allows us to show up in honest relationship and can relieve harsh feelings we might hold towards those we care about expanding our capacity for compassion. For those on the receiving end tochecha allows us the opportunity to do teshuvah, repairing relationships that might’ve faltered due to hurt, even if unintentional. 

We learn from Jewish wisdom not to offer rebuke to one who will scoff for they will continue in hate. Instead we offer it to the wise because they will return in love (Proverbs 9:8.) In other words, feedback is a gift we offer those we know can and want to do right by us. We hope by offering critique with love to those who want to show up as their best self, it will be received and integrated with love in return. Tochecha can strengthen relationships and be used to form deeper connections built on trust, care, and solidarity.

Community, over the last nine months I have felt the weight of the violent targeted attacks against the trans, nonbinary, and intersex community. It has broken my heart several times over especially when I think about trans youth who are facing some of the harshest vitriol from the current administration. I am grateful that so many I am in community with have spoken up for trans people, and I am disappointed by how many still remain silent. It causes a hurt in my soul that has only found healing from my beloved trans community and those who have been bold enough to stand with us.

This is not the time for silence. Now is the time to loudly and unequivocally support trans, nonbinary, and intersex people. Ally is a verb and it requires action. 

I need the Jewish community to turn the values of tikkun olam — repairing the world, chesed — loving kindness, and tzedek — justice, into righteous action. I want rabbis to show up en masse at rallies that support trans healthcare. I want Jewish educators to be the trusted adults for kids whose parents don’t use their correct name and pronouns. I want organizations to publicly affirm and celebrate trans Jewish existence. I want the Jewish community to learn about trans, nonbinary, and intersex Jewish changemakers. I want more opportunities for trans Jewish leadership and skill building. This and so much more that I hope you will consider engaging with and putting forward. 

I didn’t feel like I could be trans and Jewish until I was 24 when I traveled across the country to San Francisco seeing my first “trans Jews belong here” sign and heard several gender variations for traditional shabbat liturgy. I can’t imagine what it would’ve felt like to know this earlier, to have had the representation and knowledge that trans people can thrive. It would have saved me a lot of confusion and suppression of who I am.

I’m often asked how Jewish institutions can be a place where trans Jews want to be and stay engaged in Jewish life. I love this question and the intention behind it. Inviting those who have been pushed to the margins to be equal members of the community is wonderful, but honestly, it requires ongoing work. Welcoming trans folks in just to have their names and pronouns disrespected, not have a place to use the restroom, be gawked at by other members of the community, can do more harm especially if leadership doesn’t know how to properly address these types of situations. In order to be a space of true belonging there must be ongoing education, representation, and allyship. Remember: allyship is action oriented.

Above all, I want trans Jews to know their Jewish leaders see them, value them, and will fight for their right to live joyfully as their full authentic selves in and out of our community institutions.

This is the tochecha I offer you because of how much I love the Jewish community, so much that I have committed my life to it, and I offer this because I know we can do better. Don’t get me wrong, I love a well placed “All Are Welcome” sign, but it is time to go beyond words at the door. We have come so far as a community and I am so proud of the organizations and Jewish professionals I work with everyday who actively engage in this work. Still, as the road ahead of us becomes clearer it’s apparent we have a long way to go. We need all hands on deck.

“Love without tochecha is not love…peace without tochecha is not peace” (Bereshit Rabbah 54:3) 

The word peace in Hebrew, shalom, is a word that has many meanings including wholeness or completeness. With that translation for the above text it can be read that true wholeness cannot be reached without this practice of loving feedback and repair. Wholeness for the individual who might be feeling that part of them needs to remain hidden. And wholeness for the community since a community cannot be complete without its people being able to show up as their full selves — and even further — being celebrated and valued for it.

I say with tremendous pride in my community, trans Jews are here and we aren’t going anywhere. So I ask you, this year how will you turn your allyship into bold action?  How will you inspire others in your community to do the same?

If you haven’t spoken up yet for trans, nonbinary, and intersex people, let this be your time to start. If you have been doing this work, there is no better time to recommit to an allyship practice. May this new year bring us closer to a world where all people get to live freely.

Thank you in advance for showing up for trans dignity, safety, and celebration. I look forward to fighting alongside you for as long as it takes. 

L’Shalom,

R’ Eliana

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